I know it has been forever since I have posted anything on here and I have a totally legitimate reason for that and Ill explain it to you...
I was on holiday in South America kayaking unchartered rivers and their tributaries for two weeks when I was ambushed and taken hostage by pigmes! These were not your average South American pigmes, there were a very hostile bunch of Southern South American sprinting pigmes. They are very fast, so even though I can move at a pretty incredible pace I stood no chance when these little svages cornered me as I went ashore to clean up and grab a bite to eat. I fought with incredible tenacity but in the end there were just too many of them and they overcame me. I was hog tied and dragged back to their camp where I was caged up on display like a side of beef. It was very clear early on that I was going to be dinner for these half starved little savages. I needed to concoct a plan to get out unnoticed and get back to my kayak so that I could make a clean get away. Fortunatly for me I recognized that these particular group of Southern South American sprinting pigmes were descended from an ancient tribe of Argentinian pigmes. In my previous travels I had spent a month there one day so I was familiar with their language as well as physical set backs, mostly that they can not swim. I knew that if I was able to get to my kayak and get back on the water I was home free. After all of my captors had eaten and drank themselves to sleep I made a key for the lock to my cage out of a feather and some bat guano that were within reaching distance of my enclosure. I quietly picked the lock and let myself out. Quickly I located my trusty old kayak and made haste for the water. About two hundred yards away from the shore I heard footsteps barrelling down on me as I made my escape. It was then that I realized that I had startled a couple of them as I was taking leave from their and I was now in a foot race with these pigmes for the shore. I ran like I had never ran before and to my surprise I hit the water running a full two steps before my attackers. I quickly got situated into my seat and paddled out to the middle of the river where I was safe and sound.
That is the 100% true story of how I outran two Southern South American sprinting pigmes and saved my own life!
In all honesty Im just a terrible blogger. In the future I assure you that I will do a better job keeping everyone up to date on how Anna, myself and our future son are doing. As of now Anna is over seven months pregnant and as beautiful as ever! Everything has gone splendidly with the doctors appointments her and the baby are developing perfectly. We just got back into town from a great Thanksgiving in St. Louis with Anna's family and we are already looking forward to going back in about a month for Christmas! Please remember to keep Anna and our son in your prayers and I will write again soon!
I can understand your situation with the South American Sprinting Pigmes. I once had an encounter with an animal they routinely keep as pets, the ravenous Bolivian Razor-toothed Goomba Squirrel of Cochabamba. This monster is found along the banks of the Desaquadero River in the heart of the Andes Mts. In a testament to the manhood of the South American Sprinting Pigmes, the young adults in the tribe must venture into the Andes Mts. and capture one of these vicious river-bank dwelling Goomba Squirrels and return to the tribe with their catch in-tow.
ReplyDeleteWhat makes these evil monster squirrels so hard to catch is that they are a hair-less breed of Bolivian razor-toothed Goomba Squirrels. This breed is specific to Cochabamba and the Desaquadero River. The hair-less Goomba Squirrels also have an oily skin, similar to a peeled grape. On top of their seven rows of razor sharp teeth, the Goomba Squirrels smell like a used (and very dirty) diaper covered in Indian food.
I was back-packing in South America, sewing my wild oats when this terrible encounter occured. I don't wish this situation upon anyone, so please be patient with Ryan and his blog postings. I can imagine how traumatized he is.
Lacking Tact: Thank you for your support and understanding.
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